There was a moment—not dramatic, not loud—just quiet and heavy, where I seriously considered walking away from photography. I was working three jobs, all of which consisted of back to back hours. I was starting my days early and not ending them until 3 am. I was drained and the last thing I could do was stare at a computer. I was trying to hard to be everything to everyone and I could feel the excitement and passion fading. I was second guessing myself with sessions, editing, and life in general.
No big announcement. No goodbye post. Just… done. I wasn't going to tell anyone. I was going to slowly shut my socials down and walk away. It was a coward move but I didn't want to explain anything to anyone. The effects of hiding behind work, the gym, and quitting my therapy were starting to show me how much I was NOT coping with being a single mom that needed to make sure her kids had a roof over their heads, food in their bellies, and clothes that they were constantly outgrowing in an economy that was getting harder and harder to handle as a full time bartender. If you were around the last three years, you could tell I wasn't the person I was and let me tell you, I was drowning myself.
From the outside, photography can look like a dream. Golden hour sessions, happy couples, glowing seniors, families laughing in open fields, the beautiful newness of a new life. And yes, those moments are real. They’re the reason I started. They’re the reason I fell in love with this job. It was something that started at a young age, the art of it. The saying 'If you do what you love, you'll never work a day in your life' well I wasn't feeling that. The bar jobs were wanting long hours, my kids were needing to see their mom, and photography was helping financially but it wasn't consistent and neither was I. I was starting to self destruct with negative activities to hide the fact that I was hating how little I felt. I didn't want to work the jobs anymore. I wanted structure and stability. I didn't want to spend 5am to 3am shifts with nothing to show for it and then stressing about how I was going to pay rent on time. I wanted more stability, I craved it but I was doing the opposite of that and I was burning bridges along the way and dug my own hole deeper and deeper.
The constant pressure to create something better than your last session.
The comparison that creeps in every time you open social media.
The editing late into the night while the rest of the house is quiet.
The weight of running a business—not just taking photos.
Questioning why I wasn't booking as much as others.
Honestly, I was questioning EVERYTHING. My life choices, my job, my lack of education, why everything was so damn expensive. I kept quiet and hid it from everyone including friends and family. My truck saw many crying sessions so I didn't rage out at people. I was burning myself out with everything because I refused to ask for help. It's who I am, I will handle things alone. I'm independent, I need no one but, I didn't like me.
This business isn't easy or cheap. I wished for the days I could make it full time and every time I thought I was there, life happened. I pushed it back, I secluded myself unless I was working, in the gym, or with my kids. I didn't deserve to have a social life until those three things were handled. Little did I know that was killing my soul. I thought I was charging to much when the bookings got slow, I was losing my confidence. I know that this job is not a need, it's a want. People save for these sessions. I also know that not everyone loves my editing style. Its deep, moody, and filmy; its me projected into my work and I was sure I needed to be like everyone else but even changing my editing wasn't bringing clients in consistently.
What almost made me quit wasn’t one big thing. It was a buildup of small things: unrealistic expectations, lack of boundaries, and forgetting why I started in the first place. So instead of quitting, I pulled back. I didnt handle that pull back correctly either and I apologize for that. I was enjoying my weekends back with friends and my kids. I was happy that I didn't have to spend money on mini session setups because, I wasn't booking the ideas I had posted. In mind took it as a sign that I was doing what I needed to do.
Last year, after my third no show no call in a row, I was done. Thought about selling everything but, then I had a newborn session that made me realize I wasn't done, I'd never be done.
I gave myself space to breathe. I stopped chasing trends. I redefined what MY success was.
I started college for a job that will give me stability and summer freedom in the summer, therapy, and giving myself grace. I am slowly finding my spark by shooting more personal stuff then paying clients. I am working a normal hour job, not over booking myself, and have made time for Brittani. I want to find that love and confidence I had once; in myself and my work.
I was so proud in march, I had two engagement sessions back to back and that spark started to come back. I had a process, followed it, and my brain didn't feel overwhelmed. I wasn't second guessing my work, I was doing what I loved doing. I held myself accountable for how I wanted my clients to talk about my business.
Photography isn’t perfect. Running a business definitely isn’t. But there’s something deeply meaningful about freezing moments that people will hold onto for years. That’s what I came back to. I didn’t almost quit because I hate photography. I almost quit because I forgot how to protect my passion for it. I almost forgot how to protect my own heart and confidence. I almost forgot how to be Brittani.
If you’re in a season where what you love feels heavy—you’re not alone. Sometimes it doesn’t mean you’re done. Sometimes it just means something needs to shift. Sometimes it means taking a step back and redefining your goals. Sometimes it means changing your story. I have done that frequently since 2020 and I believe this is what I will need to succeed. As a future teacher, as a mother, as a human, and still as a photographer. I'm glad I took the time and didn't just walk away.
